Hi, I am Ashley, I am a Stand-up comedian, a sit-down podcaster, a star trek fan and a seriously good Alec Guinness impersonator. (I Don't like cakes) Here is my blog
It was the twenty fourth of December and wind swept the streets, shoppers and workers retired with tired feet. The bars were all empty the streets were quite dead, mummy's and daddy's put children to bed.
A Gallant young woman who some would call "sturdy" left the candle shop at five and to a pub she did scurry. With her trusty companion Victoria in tow to Maggie Mays they did go, to meet up with Chae who called Ryan and the four were away. To Box they did travel on the Street called Sauchiehall, a bar keep called Scott made reasonably priced white Russian's for one and all.
The night did progress and Bobby came in...and a man with facial hair who's name I've forgotten. The clock struck eight on that hallowed night, and the Young Gallant lady's face got quite white.
"I need fresh air" she decried to the bar and she strode outside to look at the stars.
a fella approached, she heard him before she saw. His shell suite swished loudly he stopped and said "haw..." He looked at her from bushy head to bushy toe and nodded in approval.... she shook her head "no"
"I'm just oot the jail, I've been in for eight years," he licked his lips as he peered. The young woman smiled because it's nice to be nice, but secretly worried that she'd get prison lice.
"Is this is good bar?" he asked with a grin, the gash on his face only slightly gaping.
"It's only men inside." The gallant girl answered, the convict screwed his face as he pondered...
"Is this a gay bar?" he asked with incredulity "Awe NAW no again... This is always happening to me"
The girl bit her tongue in a very tight way to prevent her from asking "were you prison gay?"
"So are you some sort a lesbian? no that that's bad... I'm looking for my hole it's nearly been a decade since I've seen fanny and I'm feeling sad!"
"Lesbian!" she replied, "I'm very much in to minge" the girl declared but inwardly she cringed.
"Are you sure I cannae tempt you?" The convicted tried again. "I'm fucking good looking and I'm already pitching a tent."
"No you're quite alright" the girl squeaked out "Have a good Christmas" the convict did shout. As he swished down the street his quest quite clear.... to get his hole AND stay out of jail until next year.
Thus ends my true Christmas eve with a dash of crime, written like this cause fuck it... it's Christmas and Jesus love's a Rhyme
Have you eaten yoghurt today? If not why not? It cures your
feminine bloating and that homosexual fella who’s really keen on getting middle
aged women to strip down to their pants wants you to eat some yoghurt “girlfriend.”
Look at all these slim white women and their black
friend, they've eaten yoghurt and they’re really happy. But remember to sit
alone and eat your yoghurt; don’t be munching it in front of others for that
would be shameful. Find a Chaise longue in a darkened boudoir and only then eat
your milk inoculated with Streptococcus thermophilus and Lactobacillus
bulgaricus.
If you feel you must digest a solid don’t bother with the
meat that's for the family and the men. Find some Ryvita and two
other women, sit in your kitchen or a field and “chew the fat” whilst not actually chewing
any fat.
Scold any of the women folk who dare to snatch a bite before the
designated eating time then discuss the men folk, for nothing else matters,
none of you have careers or migraines
only high powered business ladies and female coastguards get migraines.
On those special occasions when you feel like wearing red
you will be permitted a bowl of the K which is special. Enjoy it well for
although they say it’s low in calories, the actual portion you get is tiny. For those of you with a sweet tooth the rules are not as
simple, many a woman has devoured a chocolate in our realm but be warned the experience
is so overwhelming you may climax while taking a bath or painting in a poppy
field.
When eating chocolate at night it is mandatory that you do so after a
long day, wrapped in silken duvets which compliment the shade of the
confectionary… perhaps your friends will have eaten your bar and now you must
delve into a trinket box filled with pictures of your dead relatives and that
family sized bar of Galaxy you keep for emergencies.
When the inevitable constipation occurs do let us know by
groaning in public places and clutching your gut, put all the foods we don’t allow
you to eat into your ugly purse and march around a colour drained cityscape to
help loosen that stool. When the natural herbal remedy and exercise from hauling
a handbag full of wet pasta pays off and you defecate, colour will return to
your surroundings and you will look 23% more attractive than you did when you
couldn’t shit.
When you’re no longer young and vibrant enough to convince
other women to drink tiny bottles of yoghurt that humans managed to thrive
without for millennia, you will be relegated to JML infomercials and yoghurt
machine demonstrations on QVC
There's a special breed of woman (usually in her early 20's) who likes to tell you how other women don't like her and she has "mainly guy friends". This girl is usually intoning that other women are "totes" threatened by how hot she is. There's this bizarre belief that if you've got mainly "Guy" friends then you've just got tonnes of Brothers who've "got your back". Buzzfeed posted a list :
This unrealistic, romcom, cancelled sitcom like list irritated me enough to write this. I am a female with mainly male friends and not in a "I'm just too pretty for other girls way" more in a "I was raised by wolves and make other women uncomfortable with my off colour jokes and my hatred of shopping" way. I have a best friend and she is a girl, but I work in a male dominated industry and I went to an all girls school... which means most of my formative experience with members of my own sex involved me being called a cow and locked in cupboards. Anyway here's my list of things that happen when you're a Girl with mostly Guy friends... the realistic list... not the "OH MY GOD MY LIFE IS TOTALLY LIKE NEW GIRL!" list (as much as we'd all like that to be true)
1)You'll have heard more stories about anal sex than you care to divulge
2) their ever changing preferences re: pubic hair on "the ladies" will become something of a fun after dinner debate
3) they'll get girlfriends who you try to be friends with but fail... There's a reason your friends all have balls
4)they'll put on TV/Film that's heavy on the the full frontal nudity and be all like "it's not porn, it's game of thrones" and you'll be all like "I hate looking at boobs with you guys"
5) they'll give helpful advice when your nervous like "go for a shit"
6) your kinda glad they don't see you as a "girl" cause well... they're not exactly princes among men. And they tell you their conquest's sexual foibles making you never want to have sex again cause men are bigger gossips than any of the women you've encountered.
7) their mothers really like you because they know you're a sort of mobile mothering unit.
8) you find yourself saying things like "don't eat that rancid meat, you'll all die" and that's totally normal
9) if they all live in one place, their washing machine will constantly smell like spunk and you'll often find suspect tissues... That's just life.
10) sometimes they've got your back... And sometimes they don't cause it's funnier to watch you struggle...
11) This is a weird universal truth, no matter their age, men will at some point become so excited or frustrated that they'll feel the need to pull their trousers up to the fullest extent making it nearly impossible to not look at the outline of their Balls and Peen... FACT
12) One day they will get married and you won't be able to go round to theirs and talk about anal any more... And you'll miss it.
My mother and I share a love of the internet, if we’re not
looking at videos of cats falling off bookshelves we’re watching puppies trying
to talk, I think it’s a symptom of our own lack of a domesticated animal,
perhaps when you get an animal of your own watching video’s of them on YouTube
becomes less of a priority in life. Our second favourite thing to watch on the
internet falls under the category ‘grand romantic gesture’, proposals made in
the form of a flash mob in a DIY store, declarations of love spelled out with
thousands of fire breathers dancing on beaches while trained whales sing an
orca song, the internet has ensured the bar is set pretty high for any man or
woman deciding to propose to their significant other.
One such video doing the rounds is of Peter pan proposing
marriage to Wendy during a massive stage play in the newly constructed flying
saucer which is the HYDRO in Glasgow. I was convinced it was a swimming pool
given its name, I was wrong. The teaming cast mid a stirring rendition of ‘you
raise me up’ stop, Wendy looks perplexed and peter looks like a 30 year old
lizard man with a plan. He speaks to the audience in a thick Dutch accent, starting
is sentence with “so” as is the way of the Dutch. At this point it’s important
to point out that a) my mother and I are watching this video clip on the main
television in the living room b) my father is in the room and c) my father has Aspergers
and is easily irritated by odd things… on with the tale.
Dutch, lizard man, Peter informs the audience what usually
happens at the end of this play, my father’s interest is piqued
“Why’s that man saying what usually happens? Why’s he not
just doing it?” he questions, his voice and eyebrows both rising only slightly.
“He’s going to propose dad!” I say dreamily, awed by the
sheer scale and drama of such a public and ‘romantic’ proposition.
“And ruin the fucking play for people who’ve paid to see it?”
Father says back, his tone and eyebrows rising further.
A good indication of my father’s mood is to measure the
distance between his hairline and his eyebrows, I’m sure in the evolution of
the human that’s why they were kept in, as a gauge to measure incredulity and
rage in my father.
“It’s romantic dad!” I say hoping he’ll shut up so I can see
the actual proposal. Father goes silent, I press play and it continues, Dutch
Peter who looks like a middle-aged reptile continues, he points out Wendy’s
Parents and that she’s from this city, he stumbles over his words.
“People who can’t speak shouldn’t fucking be allowed to” My
father now squeals in a pitch only I and small dogs can hear… his eyebrows are
now only a centimetre away from his hairline… we are in dangerous territory
here.
“He’s just nervous papa.” I say placating him, using the
name I called him as a small child in the knowledge that this usually calms
him.
“He’s a fucking actor… he..” he stands up to clarify his
point “he shouldn’t…” he’s gotten tangled in the wires of the Homedics massaging
chair cover I got him for Christmas which has made him angrier “He shouldn’t be
fucking nervous”
Father storms into the kitchen, mother is laughing she thinks
this is hysterical. I hit play. Peter, an adult playing a small boy, talks of
how he’s been in the play for years with Wendy and how he loves her, the over
excited cast of dancers and stage school alumni scream and cheer excitedly,
they know what’s coming.
“He’s been watching her for years? Is he a fucking Stalker?”
Dad roars furiously re-entering the living room with a macaroon which he’s
carefully sliced into strips to prolong the eating experience.
“No dad they’ve worked together for years, they’ve been
dating… he’s not just asking…” I am interrupted, eyebrows are no longer visible,
his face the colour of a plum and his voice so high if this was a slap stick
movie from the 1950’s glasses would be smashing all over the place.
“How Do you know? How do you know he’s not just a stalker
who’s asking her to marry him in front of all those people because he knows she’ll
need to say yes… mmm?” his face is close to mine, macaroon pieces stuck to his
beard “How do you know? Do you know these people?” he probes further, my
eyebrows are now starting to rise… I am my father’s daughter, mother continues
to laugh.
“I know cause it say’s so here in this interview” I point to
the Buzz feed page with quotes from Wendy and Peter.
“How do you know internet’s not lying? The news lied to me
the other day about Andy Murray!” Dad screams as if this odd comment has proven
him right.
“When I get proposed to you better not be any where near me!”
I shout pointing my stubby fingers in accusation… this statement actually makes
him laugh “Maybe you should just talk about this in therapy”
I conclude folding my arms and refusing to look at my plum faced eyebrow-less
father
.
“I’m not wasting my good therapy session on FUCKING STALKY
PETER PAN.” Father yells dropping the crunchy bit of macaroon, the bit he was
saving for last, because as everyone knows that’s the best bit.
“For fucksake go to your bed” I groan shaking my head,
wondering how we ever got in a fight about this.
“I’ll tell you one thing…” he takes a swig of milk leaving
him with a white moustache “See if I was in that audience I’d have booed and
demanded my money back, they’ve just ruined a magical experience for all those
children. I hope you’re Dutch pal’s happy… Selfish Bastard.” He declares before slamming out of the living room and into his own sanctum, I hear him muttering
through the wall.
“It’s your own fault” mum says tears rolling down her face
from all the laughing, she’ll probably ‘tweet’ about this and folk I don’t know
will favourite her condensed version and maybe even retweet.
I play the end of the video, Wendy cries happily and accepts
the proposal, I study her face to see any sign of her being the victim of a psychopathic
stalker who’s putting her in an awkward position, there is none, she seems in
love. A giant dog dances happily on the stage as the couple embrace, drama
students squeal, the audience applaud politely, I find myself irritated by the whole
Brechtian display, my eyebrows creep up my forehead, my face grows redder… I am
my father’s daughter.
He storms back In “That other Macaroon is for you, cut it up
before you eat it, it makes it better.”
Dear Morrissey, I’m going to be honest and say that I’ve never really liked the cut of your jib, you’re really self righteous and while you seem to be on the liberal “Free speech” end of the spectrum you’re incredibly fond of telling people how they “should” behave and seem to genuinely enjoy judging folk. This letter shall be a short one, as I’m not one for long winded pontificating unlike you. You recently said in an interview "I see no difference between eating animals and paedophilia. They are both rape, violence, murder. If I’m introduced to anyone who eats beings, I walk away.” here’s my question: I am currently eating a steak (it’s rare with mustard and very yummy) my mother was repeatedly raped as a child by her uncle… am I just as bad as my great uncle Percy? I was a vegetarian for 11 years, mainly because my father’s an autistic man and enjoyed the attention having a vegetarian child brought him during air travel, does that make me better than the man who raped my mother when she was a young child because I abstained? I’m sure you have answers, what with your massive intelligence… I don’t know if you have any experience of child abuse, surely you do or you wouldn’t have made such a massive statement about paedophilia and how it’s comparable to eating meat. Yours Ashley Storrie. P.S Here's a joke.. Why was the Vegan a vegan? he wasn't getting enough attention being a vegetarian...
P.P.S When I meet aged pop stars who compare child abuse to things not like child abuse I don't walk away... I call them Pricks... I hope we meet... or should I say MEAT (HA) one day.
OK readers, here is my round up of 2013, the year that shouldn't have been (according to the ancient Mexicans) personally it was a big year for me, I got out of my funk, I had spent too long hiding in my room scared to come out and then this year happened. I made friends, for the first time in years I made friends not friends of friends, not facebook people I'd never meet but real life friends. I did comedy, live on stage comedy, I'm not the best I can be yet... but this year rather than just think about it I did it, It was so scary and I was petrified... I'm not that confident you see, like most LOUD people it's pretty much a facade, mine's just better than other peoples. So that was a huge step for me, and as a result my life has improved... so for all the people who encouraged me to get up on stage for that first time (specifically Ste Callaghan, Victoria Barnet and My mum) I thank you... it's made me better, and to the people who've supported me and encouraged me along the way (Tom Urie and Anna Devitt and loads more)
This year having just started comedy I decided I couldn't hang about waiting to grow as an act so I decided to just plough on (once I get into something I tend not to recognise my boundaries) I gigged in London, I gigged in LA and I did the Edinburgh festival, I tied it all up with a performance in front of my city at the O2 to raise money for the Clutha appeal (much to the chagrin of my comedy peers who couldn't help but slag me)... I got exciting news about my writing work and had an audition for Scot Squad... I pretended to be a violent Australian therapist... I didn't get the part. My Granda had a stroke, I lost 21 lbs (put on a few), I hurt my back trying to pole dance, I got drunk and rapped everywhere I went, I joined an Internet dating site, Twang the aged lap dog died, I did podcasts, I got asked out by strangers on facebook... and I lived... and so without further ado here is my Best of 2013, My favourite things from the year, enjoy! Best Moment of 2013 and possibly my life: The moment William Shatner Acknowledged my existence and the whole world changed...
and It just kept getting better
and then mum stole him from me...
Strangest moment of 2013: Hosting the unveiling of the 2014 Commonwealth Culture Celebration... thing..
Best Picture of Me in 2013: Who doesn't like looking like a Narwhal behind their mother...
Man I fancied the most in 2013: Jake Johnson... no explanation required... he's just a babe especially when you can only see half his head.
Favourite Photo Ad of 2013:
Favourite TV Show of 2013:
well this is a tough one, I've enjoyed a lot of TV this year, both new and old. There's been a great slew of new shows hitting our screens and it's been a bumper year for the sitcom, I've decided to split my love into categories; Comedy, Not Comedy and Reality,
in the Comedy section I present
The Mindy Project:
although not released in 2013, I only truly understood this show in 2013. I feel a certain affinity with Mindy and have found myself crying with laughter watching it. Also big kudos to Mindy who was one of the few female writers on the Office and famously stood her ground in battles with her co-writer BJ Novak even though it made her look like a 'bitch'.
and for the Non Comedy:
The Blacklist:
How do I describe to you my favourite hour of the week, I sit down, I prepare, I digest... so many clues, so much deception, so many SECRETS!!!! I cannot express to you how much I love and look forward to this TV show. It makes my innards happy, I spend hours pondering the secrets locked within the mind of Red Reddington... It's been a highlight!
and for Reality... this was a tough one but once again I pick
Deadliest Catch:
High drama on the Bering sea, again not released this year but I did watch it from season 1 again this year and loved every second of it (again). Captain Sig and co caught lobster a plenty and brought us touching, terrifying and tremendously funny moments all while staying alive on one of the harshest seas in the world!
Favourite song of 2013:
Bastille’s
Pompeii is the most listened to song on my itunes this year, combining history
with a hypnotic beat
Favourite Book of 2013:
I read a lot this year, I discovered a love for 'steam punk' which upset my mother, I reread a lot of Terry Pratchett, I found SJ Bolton and fell in love and discovered an appreciation for True crime... but my favourite book this year? It's a tough one... and I've had to hand it to two books... the first
Angelmaker by Nick Harkaway
Sons of Gangsters, Aged martial arts experts, clockwork monks and a secret underworld all play a role in this seriously magnificent, funny and exciting tale.
Like This, For Ever by SJ Bolton The third book in the Lacey Flint series captures 2013, Lacey is in a bad place, little boys are being murdered and the internet it ablaze with speculation and taunts... could it really be a vampire?
Plain Jane’s Ruled:
A
weird phenomena of 2013 was the heart throbs, in my perusal of the Internet
this year I noted a rise in love for not your Hunks but for the weedy, pale Englishmen.
For some reason this year being rather witty and good at dancing made the
international ladies knickers wet, and so in my honourable mentions I doff my
cap to these gents (who if you saw walking down the street and they weren’t
famous you wouldn’t look twice at) but because of their fame, character and
charm they have stolen ladies hearts and given hope to skinny white boys with a
degree in philosophy everywhere (oxford)
Tom Hiddleston
Benedict Cumberbatch
Best Quote from a
Politician:
“Oh,
and the last thing was Olivia Gondek, that I wanted to eat her pussy. I’m
happily married. I’ve got more than enough to eat at home.” Rob Ford
Favourite Celebrity of the Year: Jennifer Lawrence, hands down Jennifer Lawrence. She was spectacular, she was outspoken and talented and feisty and the subject of every girls 'girl crush'... she fell at the Oscars but managed it with dignity, she admitted shitting herself on TV, she told Joan River where she could stick her opinions, when asked on the red carpet to describe her dress she casually said "Well this is the top and thats the bottom" and then wowed us all with her Real Housewife of New Jersey performance in American Hustle... but my favourite moment? when she geekasmed and flirted with Jack Nicholson
Favourite Youtuber of The year: Philip Defranco had a big year this year, he got engaged, he expanded his online empire and he helped others up the scary Youtube ladder by reinvesting his earnings in other projects. He's an all round good guy who brings us the news in a way we youngsters like it, funny and simple. I've not gone a week without watching atleast two episodes, if you've not tuned in I suggest you do now.
Most Tear Jerking moments of the Year: there have been a lot of videos and pictures out there that make us tear up a little, it's a good soul cleanser... here's some of my favourite moments: NZ legalise Gay Marriage in 2013: I think when we look back on 2013 we'll remember how big a year it was for the LGBT community, they faced rampant homophobia from Russia but the internet... the internet went wild in support with country star and mans man Willie Nelson telling Texas Monthly: “I never thought of marriage as something only for men and women. But I’d never marry a guy I didn’t like.” yes there were groups of haters and religious biggots but for once the scream of the enemy wasn't the loudest... it was the song of friends... the song of support for gay rights rang true and 2013 saw a definate wind of change blow in.
as Stated in Buzz Feed, 2013 may be the year Love won out, for other out and proud moments from 2013 see this list http://www.buzzfeed.com/saeedjones/100-reasons-to-be-proud-in-2013 Bye Bye Alex: Probably not as tearful for you as it was for me, but 2013 saw me in a blubbering heap as Alex Ferguson bowed out as manager of Man United after years of dedication... and good old Rio scored an unprecidented goal for his boss... and remember that one time he assaulted Beckham and made him a better man. God I miss him.
Unlikely Hero of the Year: Charles 'The Big Mac' Ramsey On May 6, 2013, three women and a child – Amanda Berry, Georgina "Gina" DeJesus, Michelle Knight and Jocelyn Berry – were rescued from captivity in a house owned by their kidnapper, Ariel Castro. The women had been held there for 10 years and in that time had given birth, suffered torture and worse of all lost hope. That was until Amanda made a break, this woman attempted to escape from the clutches of a man who'd terrified and tortured her and had it not been for Charles Ramsey... she might not have survived, I'll let him tell you the rest... he's a delight to listen to.
and so as I sit here full of phlegm and stinking of Olbas oil, I hope you have a wonderful Hogmany and I hope that 2014 is as interesting and as exciting as 2013 was... I'm sure it will be
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