The Women Of the Advert Realm: The Rules

Have you eaten yoghurt today? If not why not? It cures your feminine bloating and that homosexual fella who’s really keen on getting middle aged women to strip down to their pants wants you to eat some yoghurt “girlfriend.”

Look at all these slim white women and their black friend, they've eaten yoghurt and they’re really happy. But remember to sit alone and eat your yoghurt; don’t be munching it in front of others for that would be shameful. Find a Chaise longue in a darkened boudoir and only then eat your milk inoculated with Streptococcus thermophilus and Lactobacillus bulgaricus.

If you feel you must digest a solid don’t bother with the meat that's for the family and the men. Find some Ryvita and two other women, sit in your kitchen or a field and “chew the fat” whilst not actually chewing any fat.

 Scold any of the women folk who dare to snatch a bite before the designated eating time then discuss the men folk, for nothing else matters, none of you have careers  or migraines only high powered business ladies and female coastguards get migraines.

On those special occasions when you feel like wearing red you will be permitted a bowl of the K which is special. Enjoy it well for although they say it’s low in calories, the actual portion you get is tiny. For those of you with a sweet tooth the rules are not as simple, many a woman has devoured a chocolate in our realm but be warned the experience is so overwhelming you may climax while taking a bath or painting in a poppy field.

 When eating chocolate at night it is mandatory that you do so after a long day, wrapped in silken duvets which compliment the shade of the confectionary… perhaps your friends will have eaten your bar and now you must delve into a trinket box filled with pictures of your dead relatives and that family sized bar of Galaxy you keep for emergencies.

When the inevitable constipation occurs do let us know by groaning in public places and clutching your gut, put all the foods we don’t allow you to eat into your ugly purse and march around a colour drained cityscape to help loosen that stool. When the natural herbal remedy and exercise from hauling a handbag full of wet pasta pays off and you defecate, colour will return to your surroundings and you will look 23% more attractive than you did when you couldn’t shit.

When you’re no longer young and vibrant enough to convince other women to drink tiny bottles of yoghurt that humans managed to thrive without for millennia, you will be relegated to JML infomercials and yoghurt machine demonstrations on QVC